Ke$ha = (6th grade bully) + (Stevie from Eastbound & Down) + (B-rad from Workaholics)

Middle school is the worst time in most everyone’s life. I wasn’t bullied any more than anyone else but there was one fellow 6th grader that I did my best to avoid. We sat together at the lunch table one day bonding over our mutual love of early 90s metal. I was drinking a root beer but my bully friend pointed out that he drinks real beer. I smiled awkwardly. The fact that an 11 year-old drank beer didn’t faze me, but it was additional proof that I need different friends. I have looked him up online a few times in the past decade and find no evidence that he’s still alive. I’m not sure they allow you to maintain a Facebook account in prison.

I recently watched all 3 (short) seasons of Eastbound & Down on HBO. Stevie Janowski is the loveable side-kick to the Napoleon Dynamite-like Kenny Powers. But, while in his late 30s, he takes his one-liners from the canon of my middle-school bully. There are many to choose from, but this line sums him up best.

“You and me are the only cool people here. Everybody here is just a bunch of posers, and hos, and $#!& heads.” – Stevie

Bradley (nicknamed B-rad) is a character on Workaholics with Down Syndrome. He also has a ridiculously filthy mouth.

“Ya, MY house of pancakes, I’m starving! I’m an adult, I can stay out as late as I want… Get this shorty some short stacks, and f#$% chicks” – B-Rad

Put these 3 people together, and somehow, I believe you get one Ke$ha. I’ve said a lot about pop music on this site, and often I defend the pop star, or don’t directly blame them for their own blandness. However, Ke$ha is hard to defend and from a musical standpoint unlistenable. That may not sound like harsh words but I find Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus, at times, listenable. They are hummable after the first listen and provide entertaining piano fun for my 20 month-old daughter to hot-step to.

I struggled in how to define Ke$ha, but for some reason, I felt it my responsibility. The best I could do is compare her to a set of mostly fictional characters where the result is a mostly fictional Ke$ha. Like Pink, she doesn’t care what you (the listener, the blog writer, the man) think of her. However, she insists on reminding everyone of that fact. Let’s look at some lyrics.

“DJ turn it up
It’s about damn time to live it up
I’m so sick of being so serious
It’s makin’ my brain delirious
I’m just talkin’ true
I’m tellin’ you ’bout the shit we do
We’re selling our clothes
sleepin’ in cars
Dressin’ it down
hittin’ on dudes, hard”

 

“N-now we lookin’ like pimps in my gold Trans-Am
Got a water bottle full of whiskey in my handbag
Got my drunk text on
I’ll regret it in the mornin’
But tonight, I don’t give a, I don’t give a, I don’t give a”

To me, it’s a list of cool things that will piss parents off, so I suppose I see its appeal. But the annoyance comes from its list form, and not really its content. I imagine that Ke$ha entered a time machine and traveled 65 years in the future. She finds the people still circulating memes about how scientists are still on borrowed time on creating the hoover-boards from Back to the Future Part II. She asks the now senile 80 year olds to write down cool phrases for when they were young, in the year 2013ish. She pastes them into her old fashion iPhone 5 and takes them back to present day where she cuts off all the trailing “g” characters. That was a rather weird way of saying her lyrics sound like an old lady from the future just listing cool and rebellious things.

Everyone’s familiar with these Johnny Cash lyrics from Folsom Prison Blues. While a bit tame today I can see them as rebellious and shocking for something written well over 50 years ago. He even leaves off the trailing “g” characters, still a staple in modern rebellion.

I hear the train a comin’
It’s rollin’ ’round the bend,
And I ain’t seen the sunshine,
Since, I don’t know when,
I’m stuck in Folsom Prison,
And time keeps draggin’ on,
But that train keeps a-rollin’,
On down to San Antone.

 

When I was just a baby,
My Mama told me, “Son,
Always be a good boy,
Don’t ever play with guns,”
But I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him die,
When I hear that whistle blowin’,
I hang my head and cry.

The classic line “But I shot a man in Reno, Just to watch him die” still hits like a ton of bricks. I can only imagine its impact on housewives in the 50s. It’s still relevant and powerful today because it tells a story and is not a simple list of things cool in the 1950s.

I can see where the Johnny Cash > Ke$ha compare isn’t far. I’m sure Johnny Cash has his share of crappy songs and Ke$ha may have a “Stairway to Heaven” that I just haven’t heard yet. But my point is, I think, every time I hear a Ke$ha song on the radio I hear a list of strung together rebellious chants. I’m sure there’s a story behind “hittin’ on dudes, hard” and I’m ready to hear it.

Usually tweets enter my head and leave before reading the next one. However, these 2 Miley Cyrus tweets stayed with me during my morning commute.

 “It is unfair for anyone to put this on to Justin’s conscious as well! This was bound to happen! Your mom teaches u when your a child not to play in the street! The chaos that comes with the paparazzi acting like fools makes it impossible for anyone to make safe choices.”

“Hope this paparazzi/JB accident brings on some changes in ’13 Paparazzi are dangerous! Wasn’t Princess Di enough of a wake up call?!”

I did some quick research on the story and most headlines for the story read something like this: “Justin Bieber Paparazzo Killed While Trying to Shoot Photos of Singer’s Car”. Sounds shocking, but in all stories the body text goes on to describe the photographer as being struck after taking pictures of the star’s car. If a doctor gets hit by a car leaving the hospital we don’t look to shut down the profession as a whole. While the Paparazzi may, in general, be scummy I can’t help but feel they are getting an undeserved bashing for someone’s inability to look both ways. During my morning commute my outrage for stalking-based photographers placed last on the list I’m about to compile.

The following are my issues with this tweet, story and topic that are more concerning than the fact that the Paparazzi exist:

1)      The larger tweet is 270 characters. It’s really 2 tweets that she posted consecutively, which in my book is cheating. If you can’t sum up your feelings in 140 characters you don’t have a tweet. Even celebrities can’t buy extra characters.
2)      Miley is suggesting that the death of Princess Di should have been a wake-up call for this guy not to photograph Justin Bieber’s car. The driver of Princess Di’s car was determined to be drunk and the main cause of her death. If any lessons can be learned from the death of Princess Di it’s to take the Tube when transporting a princess while drunk. I don’t know Miley, but from what I do know of former Disney stars, her DUI is a matter of when, not if.

3)      The English Monarchy is still a thing. This issue is somewhat off subject, I’m aware, but in my thought process it was more annoying than the paparazzi. They are funded by tax-payers to (kinda) look pretty. If American celebrities were placed in mansions funded by tax payers both houses of Congress would unite in anger. No fancy “Some eCard” would be passed around to make the other half feel small as everyone would agree that it’s ridiculous. Some old traditions should just be retired if they no longer make any sense. A case could be made that Miley’s fame is largely due to her blood line as well.

4)      Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber are celebrities. To say they stink at music wouldn’t be very adult or creative of me, and I honestly don’t feel that way. I understand that the formula for pop music has evolved to Skinny White Youth + Teeth Bleach + Team of 40 Year Old Songwriters + Production Magic. My angst comes in their celebrity status and complete disconnect from the reality of their audience. If I was given an infinite amount of money I’d have the same disconnect as well.  That’s all fine as long as they remain publicly silent on all non-pop star related thoughts, which will never happen. The Ferrari that Justin had is unaffordable to basically everyone else. I’ve seen MTV Cribs and the first episode of Entourage. Despite what People magazine says, celebrities are not just like us, even if they are spotted waiting in line for their teeth bleach.

5)      Someone died who liked taking photos.

I originally entitled this post “In Defense of the Paparazzi” but I realized that I’m not really defending them. Chasing anyone around and putting others in harm isn’t defensible. But it’s a 2-way street. If celebrities are sporting fancy cars, secretly calling the paparazzi to disclose their future locations or simply doing anything that will attract attention, they will be photographed. If someone is willing to pay for that photograph, there will be shoving. The solution to the problem isn’t to put more restrictions on the Paparazzi. Street photography is perfectly legal and putting special restrictions on celebrities only furthers an ego that’s proven to self-destruct. England wouldn’t let the royal family create legislation today, they are not qualified. In the same way we can’t let American celebrities influence policy via twitter.

It’s likely that Miley and Justin would not have a career without the Paparazzi. Their image is their brand, not their music. If there was no means to deliver this image it would require them to produce something of substance on their own and not rely on the Max Martin production machine and other corporate pop-writing and teeth-bleaching factories. While I have no actual proof of this I’d imagine that Justin and Miley have promoted more music sales through People Magazine than Rolling Stone Magazine. The lyrics to “It’s a Climb” is just as important as what coffee Miley drinks and how often she tans.

Before we know it, anyone will be able to write a somewhat stupid post on the open web detailing his feelings on a subject he really knows little about.

“That’s a ridiculous idea! It would take hours just to upload the 30 two-to-three minute videos to YouTube”, I said right before I shut up and just did it.

I chose the songs carefully; often one that would make a relatively simple solo-piano piece and not necessarily my favorite song. Folk and rock albums are easy, but metal albums can prove more challenging. Luckily the few on this list had some slower ballads. I’m thankful I didn’t listen to the Meshuggah album more than I did.

Most of the criticism will come on the my YouTube page but I’ll centralize my responses (and apologies) here. Songs are not always in the original key. If the band plays in Ab minor, I’m playing in A minor. My playing is often faster than the recording. I get nervous, sorry. These are not the whole song, and sometimes, it’s just a very small piece from a larger suite. Chords choices are my opinion, and sometimes chosen for convenience. There are sour notes. If I set a standard for perfection I’d never get this done.

1) Sara Watkins “Sun Midnight Sun”

Sara’s sophomore release further distances her from her Nickel Creek roots and redefines her as a mature solo artist (Rolling Stone Magazine, tweet me, I’m available). My only critique is that “When it pleases you” lasts a good minute too long. It pleases me up until around the 4 minute mark.

2) Brandi Carlile “Bear Creek”

This album became a popular selection while cooking after work. I can’t say it’s my favorite Brandi album but it deserves the #2 slot. It’s solid modern folk without the over-used reverb and Ahh chanting popular in alt-folk today.

3) Missy Higgins “The Ol’ Razzle Dazzle”

I first discovered this Australian cutie when she opened up for Ben Folds many years ago. It was interesting enough for me to pick up her album “On a Clear Night” but I admit the album didn’t stick. This new album makes me want to give the older ones a second chance. “Temporary Love” could have been on an 80s Peter Gabriel album.

4) Arjen Lucassen “Lost in the New Real”

Arjen has said he didn’t make this one for the fans, which is a ridiculous thing to say. Why release it? I understand it’s just a different way of saying “not that good”, but that isn’t the case here. “Lost in the New Real” is what happens when all of Arjen’s friends are too busy to make another Aryeon album. Arjen gets lonely and just sings the whole thing himself. Surprisingly here, it just sounds like a less-heavy Aryeon album proving Arjen to be the metal genius I wanted to believe he was.

5) Old Crow Medicine Show “Carry Me Back”

I’ve recently discovered my love for modern lyrics in old-timey sounding music. It doesn’t happen often and most lyrics by OCMS could be considered timeless. Replace “Walmart” with “Bob’s General Store” in the lyric below from “Mississippi Saturday Night” and it’s a Bill Monroe standard.

Drive through the Ball Park,
Out by the Walmart
Park on the levee, drinking 40′s in the skylark

6) Flower Kings “Banks of Eden”

This is classic Flower Kings. They’ve more than made up for the terrible Adam & Eve.

7) Sonata Arctica “Stones Grow Her Name”

The title of this album, along with many of the lyrics, makes you think (that this band doesn’t really speak English very well). The album isn’t much of a departure from anything else they’ve done, but that’s not a bad thing. The addition of the banjo on “Cinderblox” doesn’t stand out as much as one may expect and reminds me of the Nordic Wuthering Heights.

8) Between the Buried & Me “The Parallax II: Future Sequence”

I shouldn’t like this band as much as I do, but there’s something interesting about them that separates them from the standard death metal group.

9) Epica “Requiem for the Indifferent”

I have become a huge fan of growling vocals paired with hot female vocals. It’s not for everyone.

10) Neal Morse “Momentum”

Neal Morse is a musical beast that has created his own brand of christian prog-rock. He has yet to release a dud. My only complaint is with iTunes as they didn’t carry the album until about a month after its release. I saw many tweets to Neal asking about this and the response was always “buy on my website”. This is a fine idea, but it’s a bit optimistic. iTunes is the easiest way for most of us to buy music so adding a layer of difficulty will push many to simply steal the album.

11) Anais Mitchel “Young Man in America”

I feel like I’ve followed her from the beginning having seen her at the Ryan lounge in my old college; the same lounge where I would listen to Jimmy Buffet and stare at the sailboats waiting for my next class.

12) Bruce Springsteen “Wrecking Ball”

Every year I have at least one album that agrees with the Rolling Stones list. I’m not sure Bruce could release an album that wouldn’t be on both of our lists.

13) Kamelot “Silverthorn”

This album brought back my love for Kamelot after “Poetry for the Poisoned” failed to win me over. Of all the songs I chose to play, “Song for Jolee” was the most difficult to pick out. The melody was all over the place, often over a single chord. I ended up simplifying things a lot.

14) Luca Turilli’s Rhapsody “Ascending to Infinity”

I won’t pretend I can tell the difference between Luca’s Rhapsody and Rhapsody of Fire. Both are full of songs about swords and dragons sung by a guy with a Scandinavian accent. This album sounds like that.

15) Antje Duvekot “New Siberia”

After 3 quality studio albums Antje should get out of the church halls and into the stadiums.

16) Brentalfloss “Bits of Me”

I discovered Brentalfloss from the podcast “My Brother, My Brother and Me”. Someone needs to compile a list of comedy albums I would like since I’m sure there are many more hidden away like this one.

17) Girlyman “Supernova”

Girlyman as a trio had a magic formula producing great studio albums and smile-inducing live shows. I recall sitting on a plane from Minnesota to Boston a few years back with a growing headache. I put on their first album “Remember Who I Am” and the pristine harmonies escorted my headache through first class, out the door, and down to probably Ohio. The new album would have made that headache worse. That sounds like a scathing review, and it shouldn’t be. The Between the Buried & Me album would also worsen a growing headache and it earned a higher position on this list. I’ll explain.

The issue is with the drums, the 4th Girlyman. A fine drummer, I’m sure, but it changes the once perfect formula for the worst. And while the drums could have been mixed low in the background, they’re front and center and often overpower a song. While that’s fine for Arena Rock, this is acoustic folk. The album starts with a very pleasant 2 seconds of “Nothing Left” until the snare drum kicks in. THRAWPPT!! Was that a gun shot? Did Batman enter? No, it’s an over-mixed snare. I can only imagine that a drunken and senile Christopher Walken kept walking in and complained of a fever that could only be cured with more snare drum.

18) Lyle Lovett “Release Me”

It’s hard to top Natural Forces, but this is a solid release. Throwaway songs from Lyle are better than the best material from most. I understand there’s some spite expressed on this album towards his now former record label. We all benefit from the output (well, maybe not the record label, anymore).

19) Rush “Clockwork Angels”

Rush can basically do whatever they want now. With 40+ years of material they can fill a concert with mainly songs from the synth-heavy 80s period. Nothing will top their prog days for me, but no other classic prog band from the 70s is still putting out quality stuff.

20) Newsies “Official Broadway Soundtrack”

I have a cousin and wife that were a bit obsessed with this when the movie came out in the 90s. I never really gave it much of a chance and considered the music a bit of a novelty. I figured the obsession geared more towards a cute and pre-angry Christian Bale rather than a stand-alone soundtrack. I wanted to give the music a fresh try with this new recording. It made the coveted #20 spot so it was worth it.

21) Lori McKenna “Heart Shaped Bullet Hole”

Everything I said about her album “Lorraine” holds true in this EP. Her phrasing and timing makes everything she does more interesting, even her live covers. I’ve heard her play covers live which led me to look up the original artist on iTunes. I’ve always been disappointed after hearing her version.

22) Stephen Lynch “Lion”

I’ve written more than enough about this album here. I tweeted Stephen a link to the post and a few weeks later he promised to read it. But, I’ve heard nothing since. He must be busy reading all the other 975-word posts constructively criticizing his work. Note(1): I am not a stalker. Note(2): this post is coming from inside Stephen’s house.

23) Tenacious D “Rize of the Fenix”

Even an awful Tenacious D album is better than no Tenacious D album (see Pick of Destiny). I say all Tenacious D is spectacular.

24) Ben Folds Five “The Sound Of The Life Of The Mind”

Ben Folds became popular when I was 16 so I understand it’s nearly impossibly for them to release a new album after 15 years apart that would live up to my standards. I set my expectations low and wasn’t disappointed. While I appreciate his quirkiness I feel like he should stick to the lingo of the 1990s instead of appealing to today’s high schoolers, though I understand that’s a bit selfish. “Away When You Were Here” would have fit right in on their second album.

25) Chris Smither “Hundred Dollar Valentine”

I too often forget how much I love Chris Smither. His quirky lyrics remind me of John Prine or Todd Snider. The background vocals from Kris Delmhorst add some smooth to Smither’s rough.

26) Flying Colors “Flying Colors”

Flying Colors is so far my favorite Mike Portnoy post-Dream Theater project. It’s also the second appearance of Neal Morse on the list.

27) Nanci Griffith “Intersection”

I have no actual evidence to back this up but Nanci comes across as a bit of a drunk, especially on the live stuff. It’s probably just passion. This album’s okay, not great. It’s telling that the song I chose to play was just a re-recording of a song from “Late Night Grande Hotel” from 1991.

28) Larkin Poe “Thick as Thieves”

Larkin Poe has released a slew of EPs since splitting from the more traditional Lovell Sisters. It’s time for a full album. Their songwriting is catchy and interesting enough to break into mainstream radio but Rebecca needs to stop slurring up to every phrase, or entering into each phrase flat. It’s fine in moderation but becomes tiresome after a while.

29) Rufus Wainwright “Out of the Game”

Finally, Rufus returns to form with a more pop-y album. I’m sure his opera albums were genius, but I wasn’t about to take the time to give them a second listen.

30) Steep Canyon Rangers “Nobody Knows You”

Sometimes I feel bad for their banjo player, playing second banjo to a comedian. I’m glad they’re still putting out stuff with just the 5 of them.

Making of

While this post may seem simple it was more time consuming than expected. While I play by ear well, I often play sloppy. It makes for fun at a party, but not so much for recorded music. The 19-month old in the house was the first challenge. She’d easily ruin the video and my playing would certainly wake her up during bed time, or so I thought. We found that once the kid was fully asleep and the fan was kept on, the playing didn’t wake her. This gave me a window of a few hours to practice and record. While it was more work than expected, it was also more rewarding than I expected. It forced me to play far more piano than I usually do as I set a goal for myself with a specific time frame (end of year).

You’re a musician that does comedy that will always be known as a comedian with a quirky musical shtick. It’s something I’m sure you live with and have accepted but know not everyone feels that way. In general if you replace your lyrics with the woes of a needy 20 year-old girl they could be a smash hit on Taylor Swift’s next album. I’m a fan of both sides of your work, and while I love the recent album “Lion” I feel like it’s so close to perfecting the genre that the faults need to be discussed.

The comedy/parody song genre isn’t well-advertised. One can go to the comedy section of iTunes but there’s a good chance what you’re looking at is a stand-up album. The comedy song category needs its own genre, but that is unlikely to happen. Current contemporaries include Jonathan Coulton, Weird Al, Paul & Storm, BrentalFloss, Lonely Island, and to a less listenable extent Garfunkel and Oates. The singer/songwriter that also does some quirky comedy is even harder to find; John Prine, Chris Smither and Todd Snider come to mind. Finding additions to this list is difficult and I’m convinced there aren’t too many more hidden away. I recently checked out samples of Taryn Southern’s “On My Face” as it looked to be in the comedy song genre. It was, but listening to the full 60 second sample of “Just Google That…” made me turn away as it was filled with a single clichéd joke. It did not seem to inspire multiple listens and that’s what I’m looking for.

The album “Lion” starts off strong with “Tattoo” and “No Meat”. The line “To-furky To-Fuck Yourself” fills me with smiles. I googled the phrase and while you didn’t come up with it I still give you credit for putting it so beautifully in this song.

“So This Is Outer Space?” slows things down a bit, but not a complete waste. While the chorus clearly now says “You’re on Acid” I originally thought it said “You’re at Macy’s” which I still think is a bit funnier. The punchlines in the versus generally concern acid-related clichés like face-melting and brain-eating spiders but the bridge is where things become a bit interesting when we’re introduced to the monkey character Ramon. The musical change here is a bit drastic and truly sounds Jonathan Coulton inspired.

Lorelei wins me back and I have little to complain about here. Tennessee can be considered a highpoint but “The Night I Laid You Down” is the highlight of the album. It’s a 2 minute duet where you argue with a lady about whether or not a Phil Collin’s song was playing, but you know that, you wrote it. Undeniably original. The live version is interesting as it reveals what the audience finds funny. Apparently, the word Phil Collins on its own is laugh-inducing. What I’ll criticize is the commentary afterwards. While it’s interesting banter between you two, it takes away from repeated listens. Regardless of how funny the joke is it becomes less funny when later explained. This is good advice for all your stuff. To a lesser extend this is true in Tennessee when explaining that Martin Luther King was shot there. The line “Shot in Tennessee” sounds forced instead of the expected “In Tennessee”.

The stretch between “Too Jesusy” and “Whiskey Dick” is largely filler for your standards (or rather, my standards for you). I suspect “The Gathering” was created so you could show a slideshow of Juggelos at your live shows, but the audio itself doesn’t hold up. They play like the next-to-last skit on Saturday Night Live, and “You’ll Do” was just that recently.

“Hey Love” is advertised on your live side as inspired by Gram Parsons and Emmylou Harris and I hear equal parts Simon & Garfunkel. I’m not offended by much and typically snicker to myself when anyone claims offense. However, these lyrics are offensive for two reasons…

Love’s a douchebag, Love wears Ed Hardy… Love likes Nickelback…
Love’s a fan of the Boston Red Sox

The first is obvious as I’m from Boston but to be honest, I see your point. The second is less forgivable. The Nickelback-is-not-good meme is tired. In fact at this point it’s doing more damage than good as it’s letting equally awful bands like Linkin Park get away with their poor contributions to the rock genre. I’d expect Nickelback-is-not-good memes to be the punchline for college frat boys who grow up to be car salesmen without even a slice of humor in their adult lives. You’re better than that. You should be writing memes and slowly walking away, not recycling them.

Love’s a fan

Those comments may read as though I don’t like the album, but that’s certainly not the case. I write this because I care. You can’t please everyone, and in reading the reviews on Amazon, it seems you can’t please most. Here’s a snippet from a recent review.

“almost every song is so soft and slow that you forget it’s comedy, and in turn forget to laugh. My wife said it best when she stated “I know it’s funny, but i’m too relaxed to laugh.” Musically it’s amazing, and his lyrics are great. The package as a whole just doesn’t work for me, and I doubt i’ll be listening to it many times.”

This accurately defines my opposite feeling towards the album. I want to forget it’s comedy after multiple listens and I wonder if the reviewer would like it if he listened a few more times. However, he’d probably be happier if you were to play 4 chords and read the ‘i can haz cheezburger’ network of sites, or the new Taryn Southern album.

We were in charge of dessert for a party and my wife wanted to make a berry trifle. How much would you pay for a berry truffle that yields 4 servings and has a “level” of “easy”? $15 sounds fair to me and was what I was prepared to pay for the ingredients I didn’t already have in the kitchen.

I’m going to jump to the punchline up front here. The price for the ingredients that we didn’t already have in our kitchen would have been $73.92 at Whole Foods. However, I ended up leaving the grocery store feeling guilty enough to purchase some garden roses and lemon curd for a total of $19.79. A complete description of the event follows.

I took the kid for a short walk to pick up the trifle ingredients and let my wife get ready for the party. This is generally a happy time for both of us and we have in-depth, though one sided, discussions. Just last week we discussed the parallels of the organics movement to the not-in-my-backyard mentality. She’s 13 months old but I felt she saw the grey area in organic produce.

I paid my $2.49 for a medium iced coffee at Starbucks before walking the stroller around Whole Foods; one hand pushing the stroller, one hand holding the coffee and the third hand holding the basket. I first stopped at the florist and some garden roses caught my eye. They seemed more involved then your typical roses and I asked the nice lady what they were and if the buds were ever going to bloom. She laughed and said no, they won’t bloom. She also giggled when I commented that the roses “had more going on” then typical roses. I placed the roses in the basket with my forth hand.

These roses have a lot going on. Can you think of a better way to describe them?

My next stop was the dairy aisle with the task of “1 quart whipping cream”. The cream was measured in pints but google on my iPhone was quick to do the conversion (2 pints in a single quart). We now had flowers and 2 pints of cream in the basket.

The first complication came with the “lemon curd”. I had never heard of this and certainly didn’t know where to find it. I first checked the baking aisle but after about 2 minutes of searching I asked for assistance. I was a bit surprised when the guy knew what I was talking about and seemed to think they did have it. He went down a few aisles, asked some green-smocked friends and eventually went out back for what seemed like twenty minutes. He returned to tell me they were out. The trifle was ruined, I thought, and I called my wife to explain. Should we just curd our own lemon, whatever that means? After a quick brainstorm we figure lemon pudding would be okay, but of course, they didn’t have that either. Under my breath I muttered something about how they don’t carry enough lemon products and a new green-smocked man runs over and hands me a jar of lemon curd. I don’t know where he found it but it was implied that it was the last jar, possibly the last jar of lemon curd on the planet. It was mine and I proceeded to the fruit section.

I could have just taken a photo of the curd with my iPhone, while LOLing in the mirror of course. This is more my style.

The produce section was where I first learned that I may need to take out a loan for this trifle. We needed a pint of strawberries, a pint of blueberries and 2 pints of raspberries. Berries are packaged by ounces but the iPhone again came to the rescue as both a calculator and measurement converter. Raspberries were $6 per 6 ounces and there are 16 ounces in a pint. I put 6 of these containers in the basket and moved to the bakery. I did start to think that I just placed about $30 of raspberries into my basket but I continued anyways. The baby couldn’t understand everything that was going on, but she looked at me in a way that let me know she understood that she wasn’t going to go to college if we make this trifle.

I have some bakery experience. We made pound cake and they came in loaf pans and I assume they were priced at around 3 bucks each. Whole Foods had these weird pound cake chunks that were made by some another company and shipped in. They didn’t come as a whole loaf and were branded as “1/4 loaf” with a price of $5.99. This is when the price hit me. The pound cake alone was about to cost $24. I called my wife and explained that this trifle is about to cost $60, though I had no idea my estimate (meant to shock the listener of course) was actually a low estimate.

We agreed that creating this trifle from ingredients bought at Whole Foods would be ridiculous. Standing in the bakery already I saw they had pre-made, and giant, strawberry shortcakes for $26.99. This is cheaper than the price of raspberries alone. The problem was there was no way I could carry a delicate, whipped-cream covered dessert home while pushing a stroller. We agreed to abandon mission and just pick up the cake on the way to the party latter this afternoon. The 30 minutes in the store was for not.

I wanted to just put my full basket on the floor and walk out but I understand that’s just rude and I started putting the food back in their proper place. The basket gets down to just 2 final ingredients; lemon curd and garden roses. I can’t put the lemon curd back. For one, I have no idea where it goes. If I just put it anywhere then some employee is sure to find it. And what if it’s one of the people that helped me? I couldn’t sleep at night with the imagine of their disappointment in my head. I had to purchase the lemon curd. I then proceed to the florist to return the garden roses but I make eye contact with the nice lady who shared some giggles with me. What would she think if I came back 30 minutes later and put those flowers back that we bonded over, leaving nothing but lemon curd in my basket. I proceeded to the check-out counter to spend $19.79 on garden roses and lemon curd just because I didn’t have the heart to put them back on the shelf. It’s not uncommon for me to be at this Whole Foods twice in a given day (today, for example). I wasn’t going to be known as the guy who isn’t grateful for being given the last lemon curd.

When I did get home I made sure to document all the prices while still fresh in my head. Here’s a fancy chart.

In conclusion, does anyone have a good recipe using lemon curd?

For this go ’round I let the power of the radio decide. As I entered my car last Tuesday at around 5:15PM I put on the radio station KISS 108. The next 5 songs that they play would be used for my next video.

Texting while driving is dangerous, no doubt, but the old fashion note-taking-while-driving has got to be worse. I didn’t recognize half the songs that were played in this drive so I knew I had to write them down. This is my chicken scratch.

I took to the YouTubes and found what these songs actually were. I had heard the “Fun” song on that car commercial and had heard the Billionaire song a few times. The rest were foreign to me. I’ll save the apologies for after the video. After the first take was rudely interrupted with a cell phone call, here’s take 2…

The cricks and creeks in the video are the creeky stool and foot pedal. It is (probably) not the sound of the bones of a man in his thirties playing music written for 15 year olds by a committee of 40 year olds.

I can find the good in most music. The Nicki Minaj and Demi Lovato songs are fine. They’re catchy and hummable, and I’m sure they provide a proper pubescent soundtrack. I’ll forget they both exist in a few days. The Ke$ha song is MTV’s answer to water-boarding. I could stand to listen to it once and only allowed it to take up a few seconds of the video.

I was surprised how much I ended up enjoying the .fun song. The chorus is now overplayed thanks to the car commercial, and the fact that the radio plays it every 5th song today. However, the entire song is interesting to me. I really like how the first and second versus are almost completely separate melodies and the chorus is never really over played. I liked it enough to download the entire album but I ended up being disappointed. The comparisons to Queen and Mika are warranted, however, the overuse of auto-tune will likely mean I never give it a second listed.

Here’s the song list, in the order I played them, with links to the real recordings…

• Nicki Minaj “Turn Me On“
• Demi Lovato “Give your heart a break“
• Travie McCoy “Billionaire” ft. Bruno Mars
• Ke$ha “Your love is my drug“
• fun. “We are young“

Over the past few years I’ve grown increasingly annoyed at the misuse of the words “me, myself and I”. For example, the following sentences are common, but grammatically incorrect.

Please contact Pablo or myself.
Pablo went to the store with Paulo and I.
Pablo and I’s favorite Taco flavor is beef

 

Pablo is happy to be used in my grammar examples as long as you buy his peppers.

The trick for proper grammar here is to remove the proper name and see if the pronoun still makes sense. You wouldn’t say “Please contact myself”, “…went to the store with I” or “I’s favorite taco flavor”. That’s what I snarled to myself whenever I read this in an email as if I was placed on a grammatical pedestal of stone. I read an article that theorized why this error has become so popular. The use of the phrase “Pablo and I went to the store” was beaten into us as the proper version of “Pablo and me went to the store”. This worked too well so that any use of “Pablo and me” sounded wrong, even if used correctly at the end of the sentence.

I realized that my silent correction was becoming my inner Ms. Bent and I was doing my part to stop the natural evolution of the English language. If the reading teachers in the 50s and 60s left well-enough alone, the phrase “Pablo and me went…” would have been a completely acceptable phrase and the word “myself” would have never been abused the way it is today. What if monkeys had chopped off the hand of the mutant with the opposable thumb? Pablo and I would have to eat our beef tacos with our 2 paws instead of our single hands.

Creative evolution-analogies aside, I’m side-stepping my ultimate point of who cares. If the new phrase sounds right to most people and doesn’t really take away from the meaning of the word, then it should be a candidate for the English text books. The dictionary publicly adds words every year while the grammar laws are written on ancient stone tablets. It’s true that I would never say “…went to the store with I” but that’s hardly an argument for saying it’s incorrect to say “..went to the store with Paulo and I”. They’re different sentences.

I think it’s well established that old texts are dangerous when they’re not allowed to evolve and change with modern times. If the ideals of the “founding fathers” are used in an argument, just walk away. If “sticking to the gospel” is a requested guideline to a gay marriage debate, it’s best to step out of the cave, mud-hut or ranch house and find new friends. However, I understand why these old texts are still treated as “gospel” today as it gives warrant to someone calling a closet full of automatic weapons “constitutional”, or that calling gay marriage “icky” is God’s will.

But what do we have to gain in stalling the evolution of the English language. The only logical reason I can come up with is that it gives people undeserved intellectual superiority without the hard, thinking part. One can point and say “you are wrong” because an old book said so and there’s really no logical follow-up argument. The pointer always wins.

Words like “thou”, “whither” and “hence” are reserved for olde plays, bible-based arguments and renaissance faire comedies. They’ve evolved out of the English language. But, is the English language now stuck in its current form? I say it is because people (me, included, of course) love to be right, and pointing out the wrong in others. Changing the rules of grammar means that everyone needs to collectively admit that someone else isn’t wrong, just different and now completely acceptable.

Thoust shall talk like your dad read in his text books. Groovy?

Would the world be a worse place if today’s misuse of “me, myself and I” was accepted? I have created some rock-solid proof to say the harm is nil using the smash Lady Gaga hit “You and I”. It’s established that the use of “You and I” in this song is grammatically incorrect. However, I have recorded myself playing the song with alternate lyrics, exchanging “You and Me” with “You and I” randomly. The fact that it’s played instrumentally only further proves my point and the follow-up rendition of “Poker Face” is the icing on the cake for the remaining doubters.

Taking my theory too far?

P.S. I’m sure my English-major readers will have issues with about everything I said here. I should say that this is largely a fun, light-hearted comedy post. That should be obvious by the fact that I played a medley of Lady Gaga songs on my keyboard to prove my crazy grammar theories that I didn’t even know existed until I started writing about Ms. Bent. I was just looking for an excuse to record and post myself playing “Poker Face” into my blog organically and somehow this made the most sense. Sure, I see your counterpoint. This will lead to utter English chaos. The walls will fall that surround and preserve the sanctity of 20th century English. Verbs become nouns. Nouns become verbs. Adverbs become sandwiches. People will talk in grunts and devolve into poop-flinging zebras. Men will start marrying horses (wait, what am I arguing – slash – trying to back out of? Did I just prove my theory to all liberal English speakers?)

P.P.S I steered clear of the term grammar-nazi here. There is an uncomfortable trend to compare anything sort-of annoying to the Nazi regime that killed a large city’s worth of people. First it completely belittles the evil that was a Nazi. They performed brain surgery on live victims and it’s somehow comparable to correcting someone’s grammar. I have a joke for everything, but I don’t have one here. Once we have a dictator that murders, say, 1 million people I will see the comparison as fair. I don’t see how it’s comparable to someone who socializes a bit of healthcare however.

1) Chris Thile and Michael Daves “Sleep with One Eye Open”

Chris Thile could play circles around most players today so it’s somewhat expected that he could be bored by playing the bluegrass standards of today. His main outfit, the Punch Brothers, builds on traditional and progressive bluegrass but takes it in mind-bending directions that risks losing the casual listener. This album takes it back to the basics and shows that Chris still just likes to have fun. I defy you to watch this clip and not smile.

2) Hayes Carll “KMAG YOYO”

Steve Earle isn’t going to live forever so Hayes Carll is set to take the reigns of common sense in Texas while proving that country music doesn’t need a coat of polish to be successful.

3) Steve Earle “I’ll Never Get Out of this World Alive”

Steve Earle is Bruce Springsteen’s Americana twin.

4) Middle Brother “Middle Brother”

This is the most surprising album for me on this list. This band is a super group made up of the leaders of 3 other bands that I hadn’t heard of before seeing Middle Brother live in March. Flash forward a few months and 2 of these 3 bands are candidates for this best-of list (one of which is trying to sell us cars now). I enjoy this album more than any of the members main work.

This album has a bit of everything. “Daydreaming” starts the album in a soft Simon & Garfunkel kind of way. “Middle Brother” rocks with this haunting lyric:

but i’m gonna learn to fly an airplane,
and it’s gonna make my momma proud,
i’m gonna get my dad to notice me,
even if i have to fly it into the ground.

5) The Decemberists “The King is Dead”

This was my first taste of the Decemberists and I became a quick fan, though the albums hasn’t seen much play in the past 6 months. I know they upset their old hipster fans by creating a more mainstream folk album but if that’s what it takes to create something listenable, it’s fine by me.

6) Serenity “Death & Legacy”

I was surprised that this turned out to be one of my favorite metal albums of the year.

7) Dream Theater “A Dramatic Turn of Events”

Up until “Train of Thought” every Dream Theater album was solid gold to me. After a few listens I was hooked and the CD wouldn’t leave my discman for months. These albums will always be on heavy rotation in my life and listening to each one now brings me back to wherever I was in my life when the album came out.

This album doesn’t stand up to their first 5 albums, but it doesn’t mean it’s not a great album. “Breaking all Illusions” is a great tune that parallels “Learning to Live”. Unfortunately you need to listen to “Build me up, Break me down” to get to it.

8) Rhapsody of Fire “The Cold Embrace of Fear”

I’ve always followed Rhapsody but they’ve always seemed gimmicky to me. It’s as if they are reading the script to Final Fantasy III while telling the drummer to just play the bass pedals as fast as possible. This albums seems a bit more epic and cinematic to me, even though it’s only around 30 minutes long.

9) Symphony X “Iconoclast”

I still miss the epic-ness of the Odyssey but this is a solid metal release.

10) Emmylou Harris “Hard Bargain”

Emmylous Harris doesn’t stop. She’s constantly appearing as a guest on various albums in addition to continuously cranking out her own material. Adele could learn a lesson from her as Adele sits around and does nothing for a few years after 2 successful albums. There’s a parallel of Adele’s laziness to her weight that I’ll only imply.

The highlight for me on this album is “Six Wide Cadillacs”, especially when chanting “ey, ey, ey” in the verses. It doesn’t stand up against her classics like my favorite “Quarter Moon in a Ten Cent Town”, but it stands out against the drab of contemporary country today.

11) Larkin Poe “Winter EP”

Larkin Poe are moving away from Dixie Chicks-style country and more towards their own brand of bluegrass-country-pop-rock.

12) Sarah Jarosz “Follow Me Down”

Sarah was a guest at the Crooked Still show in October. I did see her in the audience talking to other youths and just assumed she was a random young fan of Crooked Still that was looking for something to do before hitting the bars and getting ghost-faced wasted in the Burren. That isn’t necessarily untrue, but her celebrity identity was unveiled as she was called up on stage to play with the band. I was oddly star-struck as this was the girl I had given $9.99 to on iTunes just months prior, and now see strolling Harvard Square.

During intermission I got up to walk down the stairs to the bathroom as did many of the beer drinking progressive bluegrass fans did. I happened to be right behind Sarah as we walked down the stairs and found the nerve to say the following lines; “I figured your were too big of a celebrity to be here. Your album was #1 on iTunes over the summer.” She responded with something like “well Crooked Still is one of my favorite bands” in a teenage and nasally accent. I almost followed up by saying that Darrell Scott was the best part of her album, but we split ways as the line split by gender and then bathroom function. Looking back I can see how that may have not really been a compliment.

13) Abigail Washburn “City of Refuge”

Abigail is a peanut. A peanut that’s invented her own form of progressive bluegrass.

14) Alison Krauss & Union Station “Paper Airplane”

Alison appeals to the masses, but keeps the americana sounds that pop-country artists have replaced with make-up and eating disorders.

15) Tori Amos “Night of Hunters”

The last few solo Tori albums have taken a more pop direction. This album seems to build off of her Christmas albums with themes literally stolen from classical music that is foreign to the average listener. The young vocal guests add a creepy flavor as they don’t have the same vocal talent that Tori has.

16) Amaranthe “Amaranthe’

I don’t know why I bought this album. It has a pretty lady on the cover, but something screams “Evanesense” about it. After my first listen I thought it was throw-away pop-metal (a la Evanesense) and had this master tweet:

My first impression of this @Amaranthemetal album is that it sounds like early @britneyspears with driving guitars.

It really wasn’t meant to be an insult as Britney’s first 2 albums will live on as classics but I was somewhat upset that I didn’t get an angry response. After a few more listens I started to appreciate it as fun metal for high schoolers and began to enjoy it. Every time I hear “Leave Everything Behind” I still always think that they really don’t know what “tenacity” means.

17) The Civil Wars “Barton Hollow”

On first listen this album was dull. On the next few listens I started to really like it, but it then quickly fell into the tired and warn category.

The biggest problem was the song “To whom it may concern” and the nauseatingly repetitive lyric “I’ve missed you, but I haven’t met you”. It’s either a rip on the classic Savage Garden song “I knew I loved you” or they found a high school girl’s poetry book as inspiration for the song.

18) Jonathan Coulton “Artificial Heart”

This album doesn’t have the laugh-out-loud moments that his previous albums has. It turns this into a fun pop album stealing from They Might Be Giants and Ben Folds.

19) The Lonely Island “Turtleneck and Chains”

This year’s guilty pleasure addition.

20) Lori McKenna “Lorraine”

Lori is from the Boston area. Whenever I see her live she’s playing with local musicians; Mark Erelli is never far from her side. Why is it then that the liner notes for all her albums contain Nashville names that I don’t recognize? Moving on.

Lorraine could be a lesson in phrasing in a songwriter 101 class with the track “The Most” being the best example. Listen to this track and think about how boring it could be if the chorus didn’t have the important white space she adds. It’s not the pauses between the sentences, it’s the pauses in the middle of the sentences that make this beautiful.

21) Opeth “Heritage”

The cliched expression “The whole is more than the sum of its parts” plays into everything I love about Opeth. Their soft, acoustic side is complemented by their death metal and aggressive screams and vice versa. The “Still Life” and “Blackwater Park” albums displayed this best and will most likely remain my favorite material from them. In 2003 they released 2 separate albums that split the heavy and light side. They albums were good, but I felt as if combining the 2 albums into one could have given it the great Opeth feel that couldn’t be achieved by segmenting the hard and soft sounds. Separating the hard and soft sound is like a peanut butter and jelly aficionado eating jelly and toast for lunch and peanut butter and toast for dinner. They are both fine condiments on their own, but the magic only happens when combined.

To me, Heritage is another attempt to segment a specific, yet new, Opeth sound. It’s a relatively heavy album, though it lacks the growling found on all prior great Opeth albums. It has combinations of heavy and soft but the aspects of death metal were replaced with prog rock. Prog rock is one of my favorite genres, however, the removal of the death metal sound never lets the heavy side peak and the heavy/soft dynamic suffers.

I saw them live over the summer where they performed only material without the growl, which tended to be their softer material. The audience wasn’t expecting this. The place could have exploded with a well placed “Demon of the Fall” towards the end of the set. While I respect a band that experiments with new ideas they should never forget what made them successful in the first place. They are, in a sense, working for the audience.

22) Weird Al “Alpocalype”

I can’t think of any praise that hasn’t already been said about Weird Al. He manages to stay relevant and put out great material even after everyone has forgotten about him. As a kid I loved his parodies but today I can more appreciated his original songs as well. While these lines on their aren’t that funny, they make me smile every time they’re uttered…

“and I don’t wipe my nose on your couch even though that’s a super convenient place”

“All the nuns and nannies (all the welfare mothers). All the Pakistanis (all the Wayans brothers)”

23) The Book of Mormon Soundtrack

When the South Park movie came out in 1999 it was shocking. I had never heard anything so well produced and musically pleasant, but at the same time completely repulsive. Over a decade later it’s virtually impossible to shock anyone with simple audio. Matt and Trey set the shock bar so high that even they can’t top it. The music is entertaining and funny enough to warrant multiple listens. I suspect the visual of the theater performance will take the shock level up.

24) Edguy “Age of the Joker”

This albums sounds like every other Edguy album but I love it. I understand that English may not be their first language, but some of the lyrics are just embarrassing. Take a look at this gem…

In your eyes – in your mind
I’m two out of seven
In your eyes – in your life
I’m two out of seven
What the fuck? Suck my cock!
I’m only a seven out of twelve
When I wank at the bank
I’m ten out of ten my friend

It inspired this tweet.

@_edguy Is it common to wank at the bank in Germany? Is that the best way to get a low interest home loan?

25) Stephen Kellogg “Gift Horse”

Stephen is a family man and he likes to flaunt it. It’s refreshing however that he doesn’t bring religion into it, and even goes as far as speaking against it. I really enjoyed “The Bear” from a few years back but this album has a few issues that distance me from really enjoying the album.

It starts with the title track that sounds far too much like S&G’s “Cecillia”. A few songs later and it starts to sound a bit too much like John Mellencamp. But his song “1993″ seems like an unfunny Weird Al parody of Mellencamp’s “Authority Song”. I searched YouTube for videos of him teasing Mellencamp during performances of “1993″ and so far nothing.

26) Brandi Carlile “Live at the Benaroya Hall”

For a single live album I felt that 4 covers were a bit much, but in the end it’s what made this album great. Hallelujah is covered so much that many have no idea who actually wrote it. I’ve heard the song a million times but for some reason this lyric really stands out in her version; “But all I’ve ever learned from love, Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you.”

27) Della Mae “I Built This Heart”

I saw this band for the first time at the Ossipee Bluegrass Festival in 2010. They’ve become a local success story and a proper successor to Crooked Still as the veteran Crooked Still wind down for 2012.

28) Megadeth “Thirteen”

This album sounds like Megadeth. All of their albums sound like Megadeth. In the early 90s they had a streak of metal genius with Marty Friedman, but their albums after his departure are often overlooked. They will always take a backseat to Metallica, but at least Megadeth is still putting out perfectly listenable material.

29) Barnstar! “C’mon!”

Do we need yet another album with Taylor Armerding’s “Northern Rail” on it? Taylor, Jake, Mark Erelli, Zack Hickman and Charlie Rose say yes, we do. This album is full of fun.

30) Laura Pausini “Inedito”

Laura Pausini’s “Inedito” is available in an Italian and a Spanish edition. This review is available in an Italian and an English edition. However, my Italian is limited to a semester in college in 2001 and some second-hand in-law ramblings. Therefore, both reviews may suffer.

English Edition
I like this CD. I like Laura Pausini.

Italian Edition
Mi piace questo CD. Mi piace Laura Pausini.

As I entered Dewey Square the first time I wasn’t too surprised to find out that I wasn’t the only visitor with a camera. The occupation was on display for roaming tourists on their way from South Station to the New England Aquarium. I figured it would smell, but it didn’t really smell like body odor and urine like I was expecting. Instead, it smelled like the final hours of a farmers markets, or more specifically, rotting produce. Everyone seemed friendly and if I had the nerve to pick up a conversation with a total stranger, I felt it would have been welcome. It wasn’t lost on the occupiers that the majority of people walking through the occupation were tourists interested in seeing the local news story in real life. As I walked by a group of 2 young men they sarcastically sang the chorus to “Smells like Teen Spirit” to their observers.

This was the walkway that seemed more residential with less tourist foot traffic

I took photos. Lots of street photos with both my zoom lens, and wide angle from-the-hip. There’s nothing really interesting or special about the photos, and with 16,000 others, they aren’t unique either. The experience did however humanize the movement and force me to think and better understand what it’s all about. I don’t agree with everything of course. I don’t see how bailing out college kids benefits the greater good and comparing students to banks in this situation doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. The fact that the 1% holds most of the wealth is certainly an interesting fact but I’m not going out of my way to picket how we overpay basketball players. It would be great if the 1% shared the wealth with the middle class, but that doesn’t seem like a realistic request to me. The 1% could pay off the national debt with the change in their couch, but the 99% could do noble things in theory as well. Asian sweat-shop workers make 3 pennies and a button every day making our iPads. If every 99%-er gave an insignificant dollar a day to these workers they could afford to take their families to the local all-you-can-eat buffets that litter the great walls of China. There are many issues I can get behind however. All social issues are a given, but in Boston, Massachusetts it’s like preaching folk songs to the choir. An issue that is easy for me to get behind is the influence of corporations in politics.

I have always wanted to believe that anyone can be president without the requisite indoor pool filled with gold coins. A politician needs to be unusually wealthy to get on the ballet. By definition, this person is most likely driven by money and taking office won’t slow their need for more wealth. I see parallels to this and the American Music Awards. In theory, anyone can be nominated and anyone can win. However, only those artists with the most airplay and sales can get on the ballot. Airplay is directly tied to major labels and music of the lowest common denominator which then drives sales. Organic artists without a corporate backing have virtually no chance to make the ranks of nomination.  An artist, or politician, with corporate backing will never have our interests in mind. Luckily independent musicians exist to give an alternative to the corporate slaw. If only we could elect indie-congressmen.

A fully zoomed 300mm lens caught this shot but it was a bit too grainy, hence the odd tone I gave it to mask the grain.

I tend to see both sides of most situations and am rarely on the extreme left or right of any highly debatable issue. Occupy Boston is no exception, but I knew I was on their side whenever I read or heard opposition to the movement that didn’t make any sense to me. I’ll discuss a few of these complaints below…

Get a Job!

There’s a photo going around that shows a bunch of US soldiers with a sign that reads “Occupy Bagram. Quit your bitchin’ and get back to work“. The first thing I thought of when I saw this was the famous and historically inaccurate Marie Antoinette quote “let them eat cake” in response to the poor not having enough bread. Assuming that all the protestors are too lazy and cranky to work is as misguided as assuming every banker is snorting cocaine with billion-dollar bailout bills. While lazy people exist in every tax bracket, there are millions of people who would do anything for decent employment today. If it was just a matter of “quit your bitchin’” then everyone who wanted a job would have one. There’d be no one occupying city parks with signs and tents if everyone could just shut their cake-holes and go back to their stable and life-supporting jobs.

While I was playing paparazzi to the occupiers, a convertible cruised down Atlantic Avenue with 3 college-aged girls. As they passed a middle-aged female protester they screamed “get a job!” and she responded in angst with “I have one!” While there is no hard evidence to prove this, I quickly imagined that these 3 screamin’ ladies are occupying an ivy-league college on their daddy’s dime and had never worked a day of their lives. This interaction isn’t unique at Dewey Square but it most concisely sums up the most common misconception that people have towards the occupiers.

This photo was a good example of proper Flickr tagging. He was able to find this photo of himself in my Flickr stream and comment "if I knew you were taking my picture I would have posed better". I disagree. It's also evident he shops at Shaw's.

How does camping in tents accomplish anything?!?!$%

In short, it doesn’t. They are not magic problem-solving tents.

The only reason that I’m writing this, and you’re reading this, is because of the occupy movement. It’s the only reason I thought of the ridiculously clever analogy between the election process and the American Music Awards. Even if the movement was made up entirely of entitled white kids and homeless people it would still serve a purpose; it brings all liked-mind people together to discuss their ideas and solutions. It’s given Noam Chomsky, Roseanne Barr, Michael Moore and Pete Seeger a platform to speak and get media attention. These people aren’t looking for handouts.

I ran into local band Cowgill on a recent Saturday afternoon visit. 2PM sun and front row seats made it an easy shoot

It’s just a bunch of wussy kids that want everything handed to them!?!?!?!

There’s some truth to that I’m sure. If I received a trophy for simply trying I’m not sure I’d be motivated to try much harder in the future. But I think that simplifies everything. Kids may be inherently lazy, but they’re not stupid and can separate reality from reality TV and video games. Their biggest asset in situations like this one is their honesty and not-yet-acquiried compliancy.

A 5 year-old is uncensored. He sees a fat and old relative, points, and says “you’re fat and old”. He’s not wrong, and his warning could help with the growing diabetes problem in the US, but in a few more years he will learn to censor himself. He’ll learn that it’s okay to speak in a hispanic accent when the situation dictates, but not an Asian accent. Or that while country-of-origin and gender play a huge role in who wins a marathon, it is only okay to split up the marathon by gender. These double-standards need to be taught as they otherwise make no sense.

By the time he is ready for college he sees the world of opportunities at his feet and he’s not wrong. His twenties are viewed as a virtually endless and optimistic time of youth. The world’s problems are frustratingly ridiculous but the twenty year-old hasn’t yet learned to censor himself into compliancy. He has nothing to lose but is now old enough to make people listen. Once he hits thirty he’ll have everything to lose; family, job, house, cable internet, etc and the torch will be handed off to the next generation of free thinking rebels. Twenty year-olds can change the world. Forty year-olds are looking to keep their rickety ship afloat long enough to retire. Every hippie graduates to either a compliant corporate crony, or lives on the edge of homelessness.

This Billy Joel lyric sums this up best…

Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa
Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa
Uptown Girl…

Wait, no, this lyric…

I believe I’ve passed the age of consciousness & righteous rage
I found that just surviving was a noble fight.
I once believed in causes too, I had my pointless point of view,
Life went on no matter who was wrong or right, ohhhhh

The angry young man has the uncensored view of what’s right and wrong regardless of how pointless and unwinable the fight is. He will turn into the angry old man eventually and rely on the next generation to continue the good fight. Any positive change in this country will start with the young and their radical plans, their refusal to bend, and their refusal to crawl. Each generation has a solid 10 years to make their dent.

A pro-weed, watch-wearing, mobile seat sitting, artist pirate at the tent city

It’s a club-med for homeless people

So what? This critique may more accurately depict how terrible the lives of homeless people must be, and how horribly they are treated. Does a place to set up a tent, free donated fruit and breads, and a group of ears and eyes represent a homeless man’s all-inclusive, Mediterranean vacation? If so, score one for the occupiers.

They have no leader. They have no clear goal.

Having a leader would be a huge mistake. People are faulty, and no matter how kind and honest they are, they most likely have a regrettable tweet out there. Once someone finds that fault in the leader it will be used to paint a negative and unfair portrait of the entire movement. Having a goal assumes their movement has an end, and it should not. As mentioned before, giving people a platform to discuss solutions and bring attention to otherwise ignored issues is reason enough to occupy.

Wandering the square with a 300mm zoom lens it’s easy to see the faults and holes in this movement. Young hippies caught up in the momentum speak about over-throwing the government and switching to the barter system. Rotten fruit barely covers the stench of weed and sweat. A fresh college graduate gets frustrated that he can’t find a job in a few months and protests against his personal misery. A man poops on a cop car, and spits on a police officer. Those black marks on the movement make headline news and fodder for right-wing talk radio but don’t define the movement.

Occupy Boston, and the occupy movement as a whole, is best viewed at a wide 10mm. Individual incidents and singular, unrealistic and anarchistic ideals shouldn’t overshadow the overall good that could come out of something this large and powerful.

Texting to stop the war

Bells will be ringing this sad sad New Years
Oh what a Christmas to have the blues
My baby’s gone I have no friends
To wish me greetings once again
Cries will be singing Silent Night
Christmas carols by candlelight
Please come home for Christmas
If not for Christmas by New Years night

Well, woe is Don Henley.

The most logical interpretation of this song is that Don’s “baby” in this case is his teenage child who has spent his first semester away at college. He’s having so much fun with his new college friends that he’s hesitant to come home for the holidays at all. The father is pleading with his child to come home for Christmas, since as previously mentioned, he has no friends and his son/daughter can fill that void. If the child is still partying after Christmas the father is willing to compromise to have him home by New Years night.

If not New Years night, how about Flag Day?

The next most logical interpretation is that this takes place in olden times, before the days of Trains, Planes and Automobiles. Don Henley is singing this to himself, of course, probably starring at the moon in a pre-American Tail kind of way. His wife has gone on a long journey by foot or horseback and there is no way to know exactly when she’ll get back. She’s probably trudging through the snow by candlelight using the sad notion that her husband has no friends as motivation. It’s a long shot that she can make it home before Christmas, but Don is optimistic that she’ll be home by New Years night.

On the long road to Don Henley's House, don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy

The third interpretation is that Don’s “baby” is cheating on him. I imagine this is the actual meaning of the song, but it’s still a tragically sad situation. His terminally pretty wife is away from their home cheating her brains out for an undisclosed amount of time prior to Christmas but Don still wants her back. Even if she spends another week with her other lover, Don is happy to have her back for New Years night. I suppose this is all explainable due to the fact that he has no friends.

So she tells him she must go out for the evening; To comfort an old friend who's feelin' down; But he knows where she's goin' as she's leavin'; She is headed for the cheatin' side of town

The final interpretation is that Don Henley is just a jerk with a nasty reputation as a cruel dude. I took a look at his Wikipedia page with the idea of concluding this writing with the mean things Don Henley has done to rationalize why he may have no friends. The entry is going to end here; Don Henley seems to be a real nice and generous guy. In fact, if his baby won’t join him for Christmas I’d consider packing up the family and joining Don for Christmas dinner, as long as the warm smell of coolitas has cleared up of course. I suspect his lack of friends may just be jealously towards his success.

Friends and relations, Send salutations, Sure as the stars shine above

]]> http://jasonmcgorty.com/2011/11/over-analyzing-please-come-home-for-christmas/feed/ 0